sentenced to life.

in a slump these days. i want to live like i'm 5 years old, where the good days are days that i get to go to chuck e. cheese or disneyland and the bad days are getting in trouble because i didn't do as i was told. life is so cruel sometimes. you have to appreciate it whether you like it or not because it was given to you and it's a privilege to live. even though there are days where you just don't want to go, you have to because it's not fair for those that would cherish just to have that one more day to breathe life. having to make difficult decisions knowing that it'll hurt deep inside but doing it for the better good is all about growing up. it use to be easy when those decisions were made for you but when you have to start making them yourself, life ain't easy. if you're living life easy then either you should be damn grateful everyday or you aren't making the right decisions.

so much emotion has gone through me this week i want to feel numb.

we gave away our beloved pooch, Bonnie. it was her destiny. she was a great dog. she was raised with Connor as a baby and was gentle with him even though he may not have been with her. she deserved better and even though others may not think that we have made a fair choice by giving her away i don't think we could have provided better for her.

an acquaintance that i felt so attached to passed away to cancer. it wasn't fair because she was young and because she was a mother, a mother to a young child. it wasn't fair to her and it wasn't fair to her child. she grasped me in ways as though she was a close friend of mine. it made me realize that i looked up to her. she had taught me something through her life. she made me realize that life is precious, especially more when you have someone to share it with (family and friends). i know she wanted to live for her child and that's what makes it more sad. RIP, munchkincho. you will be loved and respected.

hubby is healthy. but his recent scare has put me on emotional edge these days. it gets me thinking and my mind races and wanders and falls off a cliff sometimes. i fear the future and the surprises it may hold. i need to stop this. i need to be positive, but most of all i need to appreciate and be happy.

the little one turned one on january 7. i wanted another boy after Connor because i'm use to being a tomboy. i knew how to dress boys, but there was a reason i had a girl. she gives me things that Connor could never. her girliness, her diva attitude and her sweet gestures surprise me every day. and because of that i should be grateful to God for giving me a healthy baby girl to watch and grow.

Connor started his first day of preschool today. i didn't think he was going to cry and as expected, he did not. he was excited to meet new friends and didn't even look back when i dropped him off in his class. i stayed for a while and watched him interact. he didn't even notice me. i even stalked him as he played in the playground during recess. yes, i pretty much stayed at school the whole time. i made sure that he didn't see me so i knew he wouldn't expect me there all the time. i feel comfortable now knowing that he'll be alright. and yes, i will be doing the same when i send him off to college.